Let's just be transparent.
I have been struggling with perfectionism for a long time. Not only does the world demand perfectionism to be successful, beautiful, and popular, but some of our friends, family, co workers demand it. I demanded it.
There are different types of perfectionism. There is the perfectionism that is super precise about everything they do. Everything has a place and if one piece is missing...Yes, the world is falling apart. This perfectionism, to some, maybe just the opposite of laziness. No, you still need freedom. There is also another perfection where it's not so much external, but internal. You demand perfectionism from yourself and ultimately from others. The latter is the one that I was struggling with. I was holding onto it to define who I was. Perfectionism wasn't just something that I aimed for, the healthy way, which I'll get to later, but it's the way I saw myself. Just me, alone, not with anyone else's help. I saw myself as perfect. What a lie I believed, right?
Obviously, I'm not, but for some reason it had been rooted somehow. After God telling me what the lie was, I asked Him to show me where. Where and when did this lie become rooted into who I was? Flashbacks of my past started coming to mind. People's expectations of me. People telling me I was perfect. I was trying to keep up with perfection. It was outrunning me, but I was trying my very best to become perfection for people. Once believing this lie, I began to demand perfection from people I loved and cared for. I subconsciously thought, "Since I'm perfect, other people are perfect too." Why aren't they keeping up? Why are they letting me down?
A-ha. Expectation.
When you are a perfectionist, you begin to have unhealthy expectations of yourself and also expectations of others. You expect love to be returned. You expect a "thank you." You expect no room for mistakes. You expect immediate response. I mean, that's what you do right? As far as I knew I did so so so well in all of these categories. Expectations hurt. Not only have I hurt myself in this area, but I have definitely hurt people I love and care for. Perfectionism and expectation kept me from loving people like God loves people. God had told me many times about how expectations were keeping me from loving others well. I expected so much from myself, therefore so much of them that I was absolutely devastated at what they did or didn't do.
"If I'm perfect, I must obtain perfection. I must keep up."
That is another lie. There is no way any of us can obtain perfection and a few days ago that finally clicked within me. You and I will never obtain perfection AND we don't have to. God doesn't demand perfection. He simply tells us to aim for it in 2 Corinthians 13:11. Aiming is different than obtaining it. He tells us to aim, knowing we will not hit that perfect shot without Him. All in His design of needing Him.
A few days ago while praying for God's forgiveness in this area, He led me to Hebrews 7:11. In this chapter, Melchizedek and Jesus are looked at as being like one another.
"If perfection could have been attained through the Levitical priesthood (for on the basis of it the law was given to the people), WHY was there still need for another priest to come-one in the order of Melchizedek, not in the order of Aaron?"
After reading that I prayed for the Lord to forgive me. A safe place. I was at a park, kneeling at a bench. My altar. I saw Him lift up my head to His and He said, "You will only see perfection through my eyes." Our eyes meeting. I had a feeling it was like a mirror. He was showing Himself in me. Through His eyes, I'm perfect. I'm free. Nothing that I did. All because of what He did. Looking through His eyes, now I can love people well.
If we were already perfect, we wouldn't need Jesus. Gosh, I don't know about y'all, but that would suck for me. The Lover of my soul, the One that knows me the best, sees my sin and still calls me His beloved wouldn't be closer than my breath right now. He wouldn't be standing at your heart, knocking just to dine with you. He wouldn't be setting your heart on fire. He wouldn't be saving you, every time you mess up. You would be alone and lost. You wouldn't know true love. Oh the love He has for you and me.
Thankful. So thankful I'm not perfect. My Jesus, My Melchizedek. He's perfect.
